Up, up, up.

From within confusion and darkness,
Reaching up to the source of light,

Trying,
Giving up,

Climbing,
Resting,

Going up,
Going down,

Dying,
Being reborn,

Darkness becomes lighter,
Confusion becomes clearer,

Up,up,up.


By John Frusciante




This poem by John Frusciante means a lot to me.  Frusciante's writing shows the challenges and progression that takes place in this life.

I am very aware that I am always trying to reach a form of light that will stop the darkness inside of me.  The main reason I have had issues with darkness is because I have always wanted to achieve great things.  At this stage in my life I have been unable to reach the level of success I desire.  I have this silly idea that once I achieve success things will get easier.  I want to believe that with success I can rest my head at night and be a happy person.

Deep down I know that success does not always equal happiness. I believe that even if I obtained everything I have ever dreamed of there is a chance negative forces would try to enter my life.  Darkness is always lurking around hoping for any chance to invade the mind.  I think that all people owe it to themselves to try and battle the darkness inside of them.  

Too much darkness inside your mind can lead to a horrible existence.  I have had many moments in my life where I let the darkness possess me.  In these moments I became selfish.  I became filled with intense anxiety and depression.  I would come home from work and try to sleep the darkness off.  Things reached a point where I lost track of the beauty in simple things.  I would disregard people unless I could use them for my own personal benefit.  I was not not proud of who I had become.

Lately, I have been making an effort to not revisit those dark places.  I try to find joy in small things.  Since the start of January I have been working as a substitute teacher.  I became a substitute because the company I had been working for went out of business.  I needed to work right away so this was the option that presented itself until I can find a new job.  Obviously, I am not making a lot of money as a substitute.  However, I have met a lot of great people during this process.  It is rewarding to help students.  I believe that if I continue to appreciate this process something good will come from it.

 

                  

The Desire To Change.

I have been wanting to write more.  However, for the longest time writing has been a difficult process.  I have so many thoughts going through my brain on a daily basis.  Yet, most of the time I am too tired or lazy to express them.  So I really need to push myself to create.  

All I ever think about is wanting to be someone.  I dream of a life where I make my own rules and schedule.  I have grown really tired of trying to exist under rules which are basically another form of slavery.  How do I break through to an existence which I control?

The reason I have suffered with anxiety and depression is that I do not know how to create the life I dream of for myself.  I try so hard to find a way to escape from this existence that keeps trying to drown me.  I keep fighting the good fight.  I am beyond ready to reach the point where I can break free from this heaviness.
    

     

   

In Honor of Edward Fuqua

My grandfather was a difficult person to get to know.  I could not tell you why he was this way.  There were times where I wished he would have opened up more but that was not his style.  He was who he was and made no apologies about it. 

One thing I did learn about him was that he possessed an intense desire to live.  The man had a fighting spirit.  As many of you know, he had been battling health problems for the last few years of his life.  He endured countless trips to the hospital.  He battled various treatments that many of us could have never made it through.  When I would visit him at the hospital he had so  many wires plugged into his body that he looked an extension cord.                  

I remember going to visit my grandparents at their home on one occasion.  He was all riled up about making sure all of his appointments with his vast team of doctors were logged on his calendar.  My grandma wanted him to socialize with us in the living room.  She said, “Edward come sit down.  Your favorite grandson is here to visit.”  My grandfather’s response was unforgettable.  He said, “I do not have time for that nonsense.  I am worried about my damn life.”

I did not take his comments personal because that was my grandpa.  I loved him for the fact he embraced who he was.  I also admired his passion and commitment to live.  Through the years there were so many times he was admitted to the hospital.  On many of these visits we believed that he would not pull through.  Yet, he always did.  My family nicknamed him the Energizer Bunny because he kept going and going and going.

Sadly, on the first day of Jan 2014 our Energizer Bunny passed away.  He fought one of the greatest battles that I have ever seen a person face.  I am proud of my grandfather for being a warrior.  The lesson that we can take from his life is to never give up.  Even if all the odds are against the human spirit can push you through.    

      

I want to close by quoting some lyrics to the hymn Where the Soul of Man Never Dies also known as To Canaan’s Land I’m On My Way.        

Dear friends, there’ll be no sad farewells,
There’ll be no tear dimmed eyes,
Where all is peace and joy and love,
And the soul of man never dies.

Today should not be a day of sadness.  Today should be a celebration of Edward Fuqua’s life.  I can imagine him in heaven at this moment.  He is looking down at us from the most amazing golf course.   He has a Budweiser in one hand and a golf club in the other.  As he moves on to the next hole he looks down and sees us here today.  He tips his Titleist cap to us and says, “I am at peace.  I am free.”