Up, up, up.

From within confusion and darkness,
Reaching up to the source of light,

Trying,
Giving up,

Climbing,
Resting,

Going up,
Going down,

Dying,
Being reborn,

Darkness becomes lighter,
Confusion becomes clearer,

Up,up,up.


By John Frusciante




This poem by John Frusciante means a lot to me.  Frusciante's writing shows the challenges and progression that takes place in this life.

I am very aware that I am always trying to reach a form of light that will stop the darkness inside of me.  The main reason I have had issues with darkness is because I have always wanted to achieve great things.  At this stage in my life I have been unable to reach the level of success I desire.  I have this silly idea that once I achieve success things will get easier.  I want to believe that with success I can rest my head at night and be a happy person.

Deep down I know that success does not always equal happiness. I believe that even if I obtained everything I have ever dreamed of there is a chance negative forces would try to enter my life.  Darkness is always lurking around hoping for any chance to invade the mind.  I think that all people owe it to themselves to try and battle the darkness inside of them.  

Too much darkness inside your mind can lead to a horrible existence.  I have had many moments in my life where I let the darkness possess me.  In these moments I became selfish.  I became filled with intense anxiety and depression.  I would come home from work and try to sleep the darkness off.  Things reached a point where I lost track of the beauty in simple things.  I would disregard people unless I could use them for my own personal benefit.  I was not not proud of who I had become.

Lately, I have been making an effort to not revisit those dark places.  I try to find joy in small things.  Since the start of January I have been working as a substitute teacher.  I became a substitute because the company I had been working for went out of business.  I needed to work right away so this was the option that presented itself until I can find a new job.  Obviously, I am not making a lot of money as a substitute.  However, I have met a lot of great people during this process.  It is rewarding to help students.  I believe that if I continue to appreciate this process something good will come from it.